my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
did i walk over a car last night?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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