Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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