Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
