i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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