I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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