my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
