just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cannot find my penis.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
