Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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