Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
