But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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