yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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