My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
