I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
