so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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