U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
