Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
