Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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