uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
