who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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