she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize