Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
