My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
