Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
