Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Terrible idea I love it
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
