get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
