We named our party play list daddy issues
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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