He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
