tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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