DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
