Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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