We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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