I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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