I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
