My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
