The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
