I'm lost and stupid without you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
