Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
