Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
