I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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