He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
