nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
