I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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