I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
