Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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