You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
