I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
