Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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