i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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