Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
it's great music for shaving your balls
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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