Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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