I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
