i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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