She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
