Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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