Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize