dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
