So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
