The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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