Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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